It’s hard to imagine my life before kids. I used to always envision what it would be like to have children and here I am. Lucky as ever… with a healthy boy and girl in tow. Some days are hard, I mean REAL hard. There are days you think will never end, days when you have to tell yourself over and over they are your purpose in life and days when you feel like a janitor, left to clean boogers, vomit, poop and pee. Sorry for the mental picture.
Then there’s the anxiety. Something I never really quite experienced until I became a mom. Are they breathing? Are they hungry? Are they sleepy? Are they clean? Are they safe?
Just when I was starting to get the hang of this mom thing, the hubby and I decided to shake things up a bit. Baby number two. When we found out we were having a girl, we were ecstatic! I started to envision dance recitals, spa days and bows, bows, bows! I was so excited for my son to be a big brother to a cute little “sissy,” (that’s become her nickname these days). Then all of a sudden, I stopped in my tracks. Wait! How on earth was I going to be able to love another human being as much as my little boy? Sure I had the same setiment about my son and my husband when I was first pregnant, but this surely had to be different. I didn’t have enough of myself to give I thought…do I? How would I manage to split myself in two? Would I have to choose sides? Who would I bathe first? Who would I play with first? Then the age old mom anxiety kicked into high gear.
Nine months went by and she was finally here! Just like that, my heart expanded. So much so it nearly burst! Things fell right into place. Sissy had an immediate part in our little nest we had created for our family. It all made perfect sense. She belonged here with us, as if sent from the heavens above. It might sound cliché, but it was so true. She was here to teach my son about compassion and kindness, my husband about the truest of all emotions and me? Well, she’s taught me about the unconditional love between a mother and daughter and in turn made me appreciate my own mother more so. She’s made me want more for her than I had ever had for myself.
Life with two has been interesting to say the least. My son will always be a mama’s boy and the one who gave me the fortunate chance to be a mom to begin with, and for that I will be forever grateful. He is my inspiration. My daughter has afforded me the opportunity to see myself in her eyes. To relive my childhood again and to understand why my mom always wanted to wear matching outfits. Although, I still sometimes struggle with who to bathe first or play with first, I settle on doing it together as a family, because for me they are my purpose and my driving force and I wouldn’t have it any other way.